Landlocked Hurricane

by Lucas Martin

Genre: Folk/Acoustic


Landlocked Hurricane

Well my mom she called me up
She was in a panicked state
She said, “Boy you better hit the road,
Before it is too late.”
I said, “Now wait a minute, mama,
What’s this all about?”
She said, “A hurricanes a-comin’,
and its going to wash you out!”
And I said, “…What?!?”
She said, “A hurricanes a-comin’!”
I said, “Take it easy Mama,
The wind ain’t even blowin’!”

See I figured Mom’d gone crazy
You know, menopause or something
So I called up my old man
For him to tell me it was nothing
He said, “Board up the house, boy,
That’s what my advice is.”
I thought, ‘Oh my Lord,
Dad’s havin’ a mid-life crisis.”

See we’re Pennsylvania folk,
We’re all about the bridge.
When we get near water,
We need floaties like the kids.
You know if we lived by the ocean,
We wouldn’t have a boat,
And if we built a castle,
Lord, it wouldn’t have a moat.
You see we get kinda nervous,
When all those tropical winds blow.
For we are much more comfortable,
In fourteen feet of snow.

Well it’s the worst hurricane season in 50 years
This I understand.
So I realize all of you Mothers,
Tend to get out of hand.
Now I don’t know everything, Mama,
So I don’t mean to preach,
But there ain’t gonna be no hurricanes
300 miles from the beach.
But my phone it kept on ringing,
It was Mama every time,
So I figured I’d just give up,
And start to whine

This is what I said…

“A hurricane’s a-comin’ and we’re all a-gonna die
Mama send some tissues cause your baby’s ‘bout to cry
Also send some money, cause I’m gonna need supplies
‘Cause a hurricanes a-comin’ and we’re all a-gonna die!”

Well I finally bought myself some time,
When Mom went to wire me some money.
So I figured I’d go about my day,
But everyone was acting funny.
The newsman said it was a 24 hour drive,
Down to the corner store.
I think when I was in a bind,
I walked there in about five minutes before.
The gas stations ran out of all of their gas,
Oh, the traffic it was a mess,
It was if the sky turned green, the grass turned blue,
And the sun was rising in the west.
But I saw it as my opportunity,
To laugh all the way to the bank.
So I sold to the highest bidder, the rights
To siphon my tank.

Well when I finally made it to the corner store,
To get myself some beer.
But the line was way on out the door,
The end was no where near.
I needed to get my supplies real fast,
‘Cause my feet were getting sore.
I figured I’d try my whine again,
After all it worked before.

This time I screamed…

“A hurricane’s a-comin’ and we’re all a-gonna die
Run back to your houses there’s no time to ask me why,
Armageddon’s nearing, Heaven’s falling from the sky
‘Cause a hurricanes a-comin’ and we’re all a-gonna die!”

When I finally made it to the register,
I realized the hurricane was tragic.
Because although I got all the beer I needed,
They ran out of prophylactics.
But I took home the rest of my rations,
And I started to drink ‘em all.
I called up all my friends, and invited ‘em,
To a Hurricane Ball.
Oh, cards were dealt the music was loud,
And I got a little drunk.
My mom called up and I foolishly answered,
She thinks I’m a no-good punk.

Well Mom was right, the next morning,
I felt like such a fool,
‘Cause I was shivering, surrounded by water,
…in my neighbor’s pool.
I know she was mad, but if she’d-a seen me
She surely would-a laughed.
‘Cause she guilted me into spending the night,
Floating on a beer bottle raft.

Well the hurricane missed, Mama
But I love ya, so I’ll heed your advice.
Even if you warn of a glacier comin’
To encase my body in ice.
Oh my Lord, Holy Smokes,
For Heaven’s sake,
I’ll even believe you if your warn me of
An airborne earthquake.
But the next time you try to warn me,
About another Landlocked Hurricane.
I won’t think twice about declaring you,
Legally insane.
My apologies to Mama,
the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost,
But there ain’t no God-damned hurricanes
300 miles from the coast!

A hurricane’s a-comin’ and we’re all a gonna die!

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